Murky

Have settled beautifully into the new job. These are the best coworkers I've ever had and I'm beginning to <3 each and every one of them. So the coffeeshop rocks.

Reading a lot lot lot of Conrad because it makes me happy in a neurotic intellectual way. Conrad is an author of a deep and joyous neurotic beauty, I think. But he is still very practical. He exposes the mental deficiencies of very practical people who would never admit to the neuroses that shape their actions, their characters, and I find this fascinating. The Secret Agent is, psychologically speaking, the best novel I've ever read. People do batshit things but it all makes sense. I'm looking for the last couple Percy novels that I haven't read before starting in on his essays and then maybe some multi-volume Fielding so's I can carry it around. Also, Nostromo. Books are fun! And I've met a lit PhD who's a regular at the coffeeshop and he talks to me even though he's much better about thinking about books than I am. I usually just respond to them- I need to spend more time reflecting.

The new boyfriend has turned out to have these emotion things that I just can't reciprocate. Life would be easier if it didn't feel so amoral to just let someone go on adoring you even if you don't much like him. He thinks I will just eventually be worn into liking him but I don't think that's the case, sadly. I make him so happy that it's hard to just send him off or disappear myself. And being painlessly self-sacrificing makes me feel as if I'm doing something useful. But I'd rather spend time drinking and playing pool (my pool game has gone from dreadful to throughly mediocre, btw) with real people than spending time (and "time" is euphemistic here) with him.

I miss you all so much that it hurts. Love to you from your own J.