La sottise, l'erreur, le péché, la lésine

This is just like studying, right? Literature is literature.

And holy fuck, I've been rather bathos-tastic my last couple, haven't I? I'm fine for now, I have an appointment with a proper therapist in a week and a bit once I get home. Maybe I'll get Xanax! I am having worse panic attacks (and, oddly, agoraphobia. That isn't like me at all. I like the outside world much more than I like moping indoors), but I wish I were having problems that would result in uppers.

I went to Mass this morning. I should have stayed in bed. I couldn't concentrate on the glory of God and so managed to commit several sins (commission and omission) while at Divine Service. To wit:

• I didn't participate in the Shmoozing of Peace. I was feeling a bit antisocial, and it's not a custom with which I am comfortable. So I did the Half-Bow of Extreme Politeness at the elderly folk near me with a crazy "step the hell off, grandma" look in my eyes. And I thought bad thoughts about the senile old bird behind me who talked about her bowel problems throughout Mass. Sin of omission: love.
  
• I moped for a full twelve minutes because they did two of my favorite hymns. Except not, really. One they sang to its second setting, a bizarre early 20th cent. waltz thing unsingable by humans unless they are actually cyborgs partially constructed from player pianos, and the other was a spiritual that they attached to some whitebread travesty of a tune. So I hate their music director. And then I got angry at churches that ignore beauty and significance for modern, socially correct orders of the Mass: "Brothers and sisters, we pray for the environment, that people may respect it as a power greater than themselves [I don't even know what this means, but it sounds like idolatry. That and ascribing a personality to the environment.]." Sins: wrath, pride (music/ language snobbery?).
• I forgot money for the collection plate. Mostly I failed to get cash yesterday and woke up too late to think about tithing. On waking, I mostly thought about finding a cute blouse and getting out of the house in less than 7 minutes. Sins: greed, sloth, vanity.
• I wanted a cup of coffee, a cigarette, a fioricet, and a bagel so badly the entire time. Sin: gluttony.
• I was resentful of everyone who did not have to be awake. Sin: envy.
  
• I had a rather graphic sexual daydream. In the line to receive Communion. But at least it was about the Boy! Monogamous (if premarital), so not so bad, right? And then Paul Westerberg joined us in my fantasy and all of my rational was shot. Sins: lust, distractibility, poor timing.

This would be really depressing if it weren't so funny. So I may go to Hell, but at least I will remember my sins with a smirk as I am devoured eternally by the demons of the Pit. Time for Confession, even if I am uncomfortable with the thought of explaining to my priest why I spend so much more time listening to Station to Station and touching myself than praying, doing acts of charity, or working. But Bowie's voice-- and my neeeeeeds!

I really do need good music to concentrate on Mass. Shallow, but true. Short attention span and things.