I was dressed in black

Codeine and whisky. Not quite cocaine, but will have to do. Swallowing pills with a mouthful of liquor seems like what I've been missing- not love or inspiration or God but oblivion and the knowledge that I can just keep on doing it til it becomes a permanent state. I don't think I would, but it's a comfort.

These painkillers are amazing. I remember why I liked these things so much. (This means I should never do this again.) My backache, persistent migraine, and menstrual cramps are gone. As is my spatial sense. And the feeling in my extremities.

I think this is as close to perfection as you can get, in a sick way. Cigarettes in the shower, a tiny bit fucked up, mind swaddled in chemicals, screaming songs when you can remember lyrics, warm water pouring down your back.

Giving me the codeine/ fioricet double punch feels like my doctor wants me to develop some kind of addiction. I have 3 refills for each, too. Jesus.