Perhapses
My Mum asked me if I were going to come home for Christmas. Where else would I go? Turns out, I no longer have a bedroom of my own at home. And I don't know how the "just pretend like I never left" thing will work with the Boy, who is also going home for a bit. I need to be adopted. And I need to not feel so damn unwanted. Big family, small house, makes sense. They can't just leave that space for me forever. But this is the most depressingly grown-up I've ever felt. Apartment of my own (maybe one of the cheap GW seasonal ones) for this summer?
Should I drop the EMSP portion of my degree and finish my lit degree next year? I can almost do it, if I take a summer science course. I could graduate on time.
What the hell is happening after school? My parents are ok with acting as a safety net if I want to work below education level and travel for a bit.
Do I want a job in DC? Is that too easy? It could be fulfilling, it could be financially worthwhile. Why don't I have a dream job?
What about the Boy? We need talks about the whole thing. I don't know if I want to go back to the living in sin bit or if he wants it. I have no idea how seriously he takes the whole couple-y bit, what he wants, anything. I can't imagine never seeing him again, I can't imagine commitment to anyone right now. We are so fucking young. Will I feel cheated out of my youth? Will that be worse than losing him?
What happens to y'all after we graduate? Can we still be friends? Or will it be like highschool, 6 months of communication and then distance and time set in?
I need someone to make decisions. Like me, perhaps. Or an Oujia board.
(Sorry to be whiny. Ask for me to write about anything else.)
Should I drop the EMSP portion of my degree and finish my lit degree next year? I can almost do it, if I take a summer science course. I could graduate on time.
What the hell is happening after school? My parents are ok with acting as a safety net if I want to work below education level and travel for a bit.
Do I want a job in DC? Is that too easy? It could be fulfilling, it could be financially worthwhile. Why don't I have a dream job?
What about the Boy? We need talks about the whole thing. I don't know if I want to go back to the living in sin bit or if he wants it. I have no idea how seriously he takes the whole couple-y bit, what he wants, anything. I can't imagine never seeing him again, I can't imagine commitment to anyone right now. We are so fucking young. Will I feel cheated out of my youth? Will that be worse than losing him?
What happens to y'all after we graduate? Can we still be friends? Or will it be like highschool, 6 months of communication and then distance and time set in?
I need someone to make decisions. Like me, perhaps. Or an Oujia board.
(Sorry to be whiny. Ask for me to write about anything else.)
posted by J at 8:39 PM
3 Comments:
You could come hang out with me over Christmas break if going home is too objectionable a prospect. Regina for a while and then perhaps Lethbridge (through Medicine Hat to visit A.) or Edmonton where you will be fed like royalty and treated like family.
Also, you're family now, dear, and you're stuck with me. Sorry.
I do want to go home. But I want to feel wanted, also. Not unwelcome or unexpected.
And there is no one on earth I would rather have as part of life for permanents. I won a Becca!
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