Treat me this way?
Oh, uterus. Oh, uterus, why do you treat me this way? For serious, you can go away without breaking my heart. Cause I hate you. We'd be better apart, you and I, especially now that my gyno want to poke at you so much. Poke at you "non-invasively", sure, but knocking me out to make incisions IN MY NAVEL and then filling me with nitrous oxicide to swell my abdomen so's you can PUT CAMERAS INTO MY UTERUS and if necessary cauterize irregular tissue sounds damn well invasive enough. It's called a laparoscopy, which is kind of a pretty name, but still... is this necessary? So I have painful periods. But I do not have incisions in my navel. (Can you imagine how much those are going to itch as they heal?) Seems fair. I mean, this might not even help the pain and it's so icky that it causes me to curl up into a little protective bite-y mewling ball. Stay away, I'll so take off a finger! It didn't help that I'd been reading both Jane Magazine and rereading Catch-22 beforehand in the waiting room, making me rightfully paranoid and afraid that my shoes aren't fashionable enough.
And my gynocologist, the man who delivered me and my younger siblings, the man who is still my Mum's gyno, was shocked by my tattoo, piercings, sex life, and refusal to be put back on the Pill. (I hate the Pill. I'm most likely infertile so it just makes me hormonal and lazy and sick and unable to tell who I'm attracted to. Last time I was on it, I started dating The Lawyer. True story!) Ack. So the piercings and tattoo might be a bit much, but it's not like I came in with harness marks or wax burns or a impacted vagina or a brand on my bum saying "Property of XXXX [names witheld to protect the innocent. P.S., on a side note, if you want you can have my bum for advertising purposes if you are willing to pay for my schooling and a trip for 4 to Venice]". What does he expect? I told him that I always use condoms, attempt to limit the number of sexual partners (to err is human...), and that I try to avoid orgasm because I've heard that sexual gratification can unbalance a woman's humors. I wanted to ask how much rough sex you can have before it becomes a health issue, but maybe he wouldn't have found that funny. And then he gave me what felt like an unnecessarily rough pap smear. Perfidious!
Next life, I am so being a man.
And my gynocologist, the man who delivered me and my younger siblings, the man who is still my Mum's gyno, was shocked by my tattoo, piercings, sex life, and refusal to be put back on the Pill. (I hate the Pill. I'm most likely infertile so it just makes me hormonal and lazy and sick and unable to tell who I'm attracted to. Last time I was on it, I started dating The Lawyer. True story!) Ack. So the piercings and tattoo might be a bit much, but it's not like I came in with harness marks or wax burns or a impacted vagina or a brand on my bum saying "Property of XXXX [names witheld to protect the innocent. P.S., on a side note, if you want you can have my bum for advertising purposes if you are willing to pay for my schooling and a trip for 4 to Venice]". What does he expect? I told him that I always use condoms, attempt to limit the number of sexual partners (to err is human...), and that I try to avoid orgasm because I've heard that sexual gratification can unbalance a woman's humors. I wanted to ask how much rough sex you can have before it becomes a health issue, but maybe he wouldn't have found that funny. And then he gave me what felt like an unnecessarily rough pap smear. Perfidious!
Next life, I am so being a man.
posted by J at 10:42 AM
4 Comments:
I try to avoid orgasm because I've heard that sexual gratification can unbalance a woman's humors
This is a True Fact. Having not had an orgasm in over a year I can testify that my health and well-being have never been better!
My little lamebot, if your doctor thinks it needs to be done, then it probably does. A navel that itches for a week beats the hell out of a week of debilitating pain every month upon every month, no?
Cauterising tissue makes me think of using a lighter to melt cut ends of yellow nylon rope to keep it from unravelling. I bet it is pretty much the same deal.
Also, "laparoscopy" makes me think of BUNNIES.
...Rebecca terrifies me. But she's probably right. (Well, the jury's still out on the bunnies. But.)
Bec,
I'll get the laparoscopy if I can have a rabbit too. And the Boy may someday understand that the only reason why I push his face away from my female regions (HA!) is because I do not wish to begin enjoying sexual congress, which will lead me to libidinous harlotry. I just wanna stay pure and frigid, yo. Lie back and think of the rabbits.
On a unrelated note, can you send me the gingersnap recipe?
Love,
J
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